Oh, this one. I’ve honestly been wondering lately if God isn’t trying to teach me something, because a few weeks ago Isaac all of a sudden decided he was terrified at the thought that I would leave him. One morning he was simply devastated that I would even consider leaving him at school (per our normal routine, mind you) and has worried since that I might not come back and get him. He asks repeatedly if his teachers have my phone number and know our home address. He has hugged me more often, squeezed me tighter at night, and CLUNG to me without letting go if I refuse to go with him somewhere. At bedtime and nap time he makes me promise that I won’t leave the house (as if I would actually leave him home alone) and has more than once, literally made me trip over him being right under foot. This kid will be 5 next month. What gives?
While a little sweet, sad, and annoying all at the same time, I started thinking what God might be trying to tell me and I wondered if the picture He wasn’t drawing right in front of my nose was of how He longs for me to feel towards Him. Psalm 63:8 says, “My soul clings to you.” Do I feel that way towards the Lord? Am I desperate not for what He can give me, but just to BE WITH HIM? So often I come to Him with my list of requests, concerns, and confessions, but how many times do I just curl up and sit, longing to simply experience His presence?
Prior to taking this picture of Isaac here at the pumpkin patch, his class had the opportunity to take a hayride. Unlike all the other kids who excitedly bounded toward the tractor, anxiously awaiting their turn to climb onto the trailer and sit atop the bales of hay, Isaac dug his fingers into my arm and pulled back. “I want you to go with me,” he said. “What?” I responded. “You’ll be just fine and have so much fun with your friends!” But my promises of watching from the sidelines with all the other moms and words of comfort that I would see him in just a few minutes were to no avail. He was absolutely not getting on that hayride without me, and that was that. So away we went side by side, bouncing along with all the other pre-Kers covered in hay dust, ooh-ing and ah-ing at the cornfields and cows. And Isaac was happy, because his Mama was right there beside him where he could keep a good grip on her hand. It reminded me of Moses in Exodus 33 where he tells God, “If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.” He knew it was God and His very presence that set them apart from all the other nations and he was not budging. And so God lovingly went.
I want to be like David and Moses. I want to be the woman who says, “No way God, I’m either going with YOU, or not at all!” Jesus reminds us in John 15 that apart from Him we can do nothing anyway, so why even try? Why not decide today to stay connected to Him, to go where He goes, to CLING to Him? I believe He has so much He wants to say to me, to you, but I’m often too busy trying to do life on my own, trying to figure out what He might be saying while chatting it up with a girlfriend. Hear me, confiding in godly friends is not wrong, unless we have let them become idols in our lives, turning only to them for wisdom and counsel rather than God Himself. But I wonder, what would happen if I really quieted the noise in my heart and life, quieted my mind, stopped relying on my own abilities (which came from Him, by the way) and truly refused to live a day apart from Him? What would He say? What kind of power would I see Him wield? How might my life be different? Maybe I should just ask. Then be still and listen.
God has not given us a spirit of fear, but I do believe He wants us to recognize our complete and total need for Him. I want to be like Isaac, always calling out to Him, asking where He is and getting as close to Him as I possibly can not because I am deathly afraid of Him leaving me, but because I have tasted and seen that He is good and I don’t want to spend another nanosecond without Him. I want to wrap my arm around His and refuse to let go unless we can go together. And then I want to experience the overwhelming, awe-inspiring thrill that comes from living a life completely and totally in love with my Savior who gave the very life of His only Son just so I could in fact, be with Him.
May we press in. May we ask boldly. May we refuse to move until we know we are moving with Him. And along the way, may we get all kinds of lovely hay dust in our hair because of the incredible journey He wants to take us on if we’ll simply take His hand and trust His heart.