A friend recently asked me a question that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. Following a small conflict in which my feelings were hurt but we quickly resolved, she said, “Tell me how I can love you well.” I’m not sure anyone has ever asked me that question specifically. How can you love me well? Hmmm…. A few things immediately came to mind but I knew before answering that I wanted to chew on it a little more. How couldshe love me well? Our seasons currently look pretty different, our personalities and communication styles differ, and we certainly have varying gifts and abilities. And yet, I love her dearly and know she feels the same. This is worth figuring out.
It is a gift to be able to love our people well. And yet I also believe it is something we have to learn to do. What does that look like? What does it even mean? This requires intentionality and we must take the time to study them and ask good questions. What do they enjoy? What do they need? How do they spend their time? What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What stresses them out? Loving others well requires humility on our part. It means intentionally asking the question and then stopping to really listen to what the other person says without pushing our own ideas onto them. What makes me feel loved or relaxed may look drastically different from you. And we both have to be okay with that.
I am realizing that throughout my life not only have very few of my friends dared to venture down that very personal road, but that I too, have failed to ask such a question as often as I should. Why is that? Why am I so afraid to get up close and personal, being willing to drill down to the nitty gritty places where relationship truly gets real? I am discovering that it is in these places that I feel most seen, known, and loved. It is here that I realize this is what my soul yearns for and where I thrive the most. I am quickly becoming more and more discontent with the shallow, yet I find myself at times still hesitating to initiate. Often, we are so self-focused that we simply aren’t thinking about the other person. Our lives are full of jobs, to-do lists, problems to solve, people needing things from us, deadlines, and more that we barely have time to consider how we can reach out and minister to others. But as believers in Christ we are called to a different way, a better way.
1 Peter 1:22 says, “Love one another deeply, from the heart.” How can we love each other deeply if our knowledge of each other only goes so far? I must be willing to push past my own selfishness and insecurities and move toward authentic relationship. It is in this place that we start to “do life together.” When something happens at 3 AM, whom do you think to call first? “No man is an island,” declared John Donne, and he’s right. We need our people. Relationship is what we were created for. And sometimes, it requires us to initiate. So how can we begin to really love those around us well?
1)We must be willing to ask the question. Sit down face-to-face with a cup of coffee, send a text, leave a Voxer message (this is a great app!) – whatever. Just ask.Some great questions to start with might be, “How are you really doing?” “How can I pray for you?” “What has God been teaching you in this season?” “What is hard right now?” “What makes you feel most loved?” You just might uncover something you never knew. (She doesn’t even like coffee!!??)
2)We must learn to truly listen. I have had friends in my life who would ask me a question, then barely let me get an answer out before launching into some discourse about how it relates to their life. What I had just said was immediately forgotten and quite frankly, it made me feel like my thoughts or words didn’t really matter. On the lip side, I have another friend who throughout our conversation will say to me, “so what I hear you saying is…” She reiterates what I said and makes sure she clearly understands what I’m trying to communicate before she responds. Brilliant! Is your tendency to instantly respond with a story of your own? Do you launch into an explanation of something you just remembered going on in your life? Do you ask them follow up or clarifying questions? It can sometimes be difficult to sit in silence and absorb their words, but choosing to focus on them and their story is how we grow in intimacy. I am convinced that once we better understand each other, understand where they are coming from and what makes them tick, we are able to love them better. But we have to stop talking long enough to hear them!
3) Be vulnerable enough to share things going on in your life. For some people, asking about others is the easy part. Sharing from your own private life however, is what gets hard. But any good relationship is a two-way street. While it’s true that I must be willing to ask and listen to your life in order to know you better, so I must also be willing to open up and share about my life if I also want to be truly known by others. Humans are not mind readers and we cannot assume our friends will know how we feel or what we need unless we open our mouths and share. This may take time, but it won’t ever happen if you don’t start somewhere.
These days, there are scads of additional resources that help you understand your people. Finding out their Enneagram number/personality, their spiritual gifts, or their love language is a great place to start! As much as I love to give gifts, I have friends to whom I have stopped giving physical gifts because I discovered this is not the best way they receive love. Instead, I spend quality time or give acts of service and find these to be much better received. Both my friend and I are filled up as a result! Even my husband and I have had to really work on this area because the way he wants to give me love (acts of service) is not always the way I feel most loved. (Please note, I am so deeply grateful that he changes the oil in my car and makes sure the tires get rotated, but it doesn’t necessarily conjure up warm fuzzies or make me want to pull out the lingerie…)
So start today. Ask the question. Listen intently. Then make a conscious effort to act on what they say. Your path to loving them well may have only just begun, but my hunch is that it will produce deeper satisfaction in your friendships, relationships with family, and most definitely your spouse!