I feel like if you have a baby, and the hospital (or midwife) actually lets you take the baby home to live with you forever and always, it's pretty obvious that it should be a requirement for them to also give you The Manual - you know, the one that tells you ALL THE THINGS you need to know about how to raise said baby.
After all, they only sleep all day and live to eat and poop for as long as it takes you to change into a fresh pair of yoga pants...
In my opinion, here are a few things that should be included in the manual:
Chapter 1. How To Get Your Child To Eat The Dinner You So Lovingly Prepared Even Though He Says He Doesn't Like It But Last Week It Was His Favorite.
Chapter 2. How To Keep Your Child From Spilling Things On His Shirt Two Seconds Before You Get In The Car To Go To School For Picture Day So Now You're Forced To Change His Super-Cute Shirt And Put On A Semi-Cute Shirt Because Of Course The Stain Won't Come Out.
Chapter 3. How To Handle All The Emotions When Your Child Spills Candle Wax All Over Himself, The Carpet, The Kitchen Floor, The Barstool, Your Sweater, Your Purse, And Your Brand New Handmade Wooden Fall Sign That You Love And Then Acts Like You're Cutting Off His Right Arm When You Try To Remove Said Wax From His Hair.
Chapter 4. How To Keep Your Child From Eating Candle Wax (More Than Once!!) Even Though You Can't Imagine How On God's Green Earth It Actually Tastes Good.
Chapter 5. How To Convince Your Toddler It Is Not A Good Idea To Go Around Sticking His Hand In Everyone's Drinks To Fish Out The Crushed Ice Even Though It's Yummy Because Inevitably It Will Always Spill, The Glass Will Almost Always Be Full, And Everyone Will Get Very Wet And Annoyed.
Chapter 6. How To Deal When Your Child And His Friend Decide To Unleash Their Inner Superhero By Covering The Bedroom In A Blanket Of White Talcum Powder Because You Foolishly Left The Lid Open And Two Preschool Boys Unattended For More Than Three Seconds.
Chapter 7. How Not To Use Cuss Words On A Road Trip When Your Children Repeatedly Drop Things On The Floor And Ask You To Pick Them Up, Whine Incessantly Wondering Why The Three-Hour Drive Could Not Miraculously Be Squeezed Into Five Minutes, And Spill All Of Their Mostly-Full Cups Of Sticky Liquid Two Seconds After You Tell Them Not To Take Off The Lid Or Play With The Straw.
Chapter 8. How To Not Lose Your Ever-Loving Mind When Your Kids Want To Hear "Who Built The Ark" And "He's Still Working On Me" For The 479, 632 time This Week.
Chapter 9. What To Say When Your Child's School Calls Six Minutes After You Sit Down For Coffee With A Friend And Says He Stuck A Sequin Up His Nose While Decorating Pumpkins, But Don't Worry - They Narrowly Avoided A Trip To The ER Because Who Knew It Was Even Possible To Get Something That Far Up the Nasal Passage?
Chapter 10. How To Keep Your Child From Pooping In The Bathtub As Soon As The Tub Is Totally Filled, Forcing You To Drain The Entire Thing, Rinse Off All The Toys, And Start Completely Over Because You Don't Have Anything Else To Do Tonight.
Chapter 11. How To Not Pull Your Hair Out By The Handfuls When Your Child Refuses To Nap Even Though You Know They're Tired, You've Read Every Book And Sung Every Song, They Haven't Been Deterred By Your Multiple Spankings And Death Threats, And All You Want Is A Little Peace And Quiet For Yourself.
Chapter 12. How To Not Sell Your Children To The Zoo When You Discover They Have Used Your Pretty Cream-Colored Chair As An Alternative Coloring Surface And When You Attempt To Remove The Marks, Your Cleaning Agent Leaves A Nice Discolored Ring On The Upholstery Indicating To All Future Visitors That You Tried Desperately To Remove A Stain, Which Was Basically Pointless.
Sigh.
Parenting is a lot of fun. But suffice it to say, handing out this manual could be severely helpful to exasperated parents everywhere. And just possibly prevent a few more kids from being sold as peanut shellers for the elephants.