Confession: my name is Christy and I'm a recovering people-pleaser.
There. I said it.
Growing up, they said I was the "compliant" one. They said I was so "sweet." They said I was a "mercy." Always looking to encourage and help, be the peace-maker and smooth over the conflict, that was me. Still is me, to some extent.
And none of that is a bad thing, until it is - until it becomes your modis operandi and you realize the motivation behind it all is a deep need for approval. Or maybe it's fear. Fear of not being approved. Whatever. It's there. Sometimes, it comes in handy. There's a need for a peacemaker, a sweet one, the one who knows how to help people get along and include everyone in the circle. I hate being in a conversation and noticing someone just on the outer edge, listening in but not really feeling a part. I feel a great duty to bring them in, let them know we want to include them and that their voice is valuable, too.
But the older I've gotten, I've realized that somewhere along the way I lost myself, and in the great ocean of people-pleasing and approval-seeking, I forgot who I was and what I wanted, what I liked. Some days I wonder if I ever really knew.
I remember one day, many years ago, someone saying about me to someone else, "Christy loves ice cream! It's her favorite dessert." At the moment I thought, "Sure, that's true. I do like ice cream." Little did I know, years later someone would ask the question "What's your favorite dessert?" and that earlier conversation would flash through my mind.
Well, I guess it's ice cream.
It may be a silly example, but the realization slammed hard. I began to see that many of the decisions and choices I made stemmed from the desire to please others. Would it please them for me to do this? Say that? Go there? Take that job? Agree that ice cream is my favorite dessert? Well then.
I have one particular friend who has great taste. Great style. Everything she selects is calculated and deliberate and seems to just go together. It's all "her." It caused me to feel insecure and self-conscious every time I was around her or anytime she was at my house because I imagined her looking around, judging my lack of streamlined style, my knack for putting things together just so. I envied how well she seemed to know herself, her taste. She seemed so comfortable with who she was, in her likes and dislikes, and not really caring if others shared them. As often happens, I became torn between wanting to discover my own clearly defined taste and style, while also comparing my choices with hers and feeling the need to alter myself to align more closely with who she was. When faced with decisions I would always have the thought in the back of my mind, what would she choose? Or, what would she think about this?
Girl, you crazy.
In Shauna Niequist's book Present Over Perfect (which I highly recommend) she writes about her own journey of rediscovering who she is and who God created her to be - apart from who other people say she should be, what she should do, should like, etc. She likens this soulful way of living to quiet, falling snow or pouring rain. In Job 37:5-6 we read:
"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, "Fall on the earth," and to the rain shower, "Be a mighty downpour."
Shauna's words: "Essentially, He's saying: just do the things I've actually created you to do. You're rain: so rain. You're snow: so snow." How do we get so far off track that we forget what we were created to do, who we were created to be? How silly for snow to one day decide it should no longer be snow, but rather act more like rain? It would therefore, cease to be snow! And therein, lies the whole conundrum. We can't truly get away from who God created us to be because then, we would cease to be us.
God has crafted each one of us so carefully, so purposefully, with different gifts and passions and abilities. Why do I spend my days trying to form my life to look like someone else's? Why do I worry that if I don't dress or parent or decorate or cook or do marriage exactly like another person that I am somehow less-than? Why are my likes and dislikes less-cool than yours?
NEWS FLASH: they're not!!!!
But Satan doesn't want us to believe this. Rather, he wants us to spin our wheels, waste our days trying to compete and compare and worry that we are not what everyone expects and wants us to be. He would prefer we remain paralyzed, stuck in uncertainty and unable to move forward for fear of disappointing others because we choose something else, another road.
Again, Shauna makes a great observation: "There's tremendous value in traveling back to our essential selves, the loves and skills and passions that God planted inside us long ago."
So I've been trying to lay it down. Lay down the deeply felt need for approval, and instead to just bask in the approval of the One who made me. I want to be okay with who I am, what I'm good at, what I like, and not get stressed over the areas where I'm not so gifted, the things I don't so much like. I would be foolish to believe that this will happen overnight or that I will wake up tomorrow having "arrived." I won't. It's a journey of self-discovery that's not over yet, but just for fun, here are a few things I've landed on so far:
1) I love reading and am basically addicted to books. Or at least collecting them. Amazon Prime is a gift from the angels. A perfect day would be spent sitting quietly by the fireplace with a cozy blanket, some kind of yummy latte, and a fantastic book. To some, this might sound like torture. But not to me. (I'm a mother of boys, so one can dream...)
2) I really like neutrals. I used to try my hardest to stop myself from buying any more gray, black, or navy because my closet was full of it. Someone told me I needed more color. Perhaps my wardrobe was depressing them. You know what? I've decided to just buy what I like, because that's what I end up wearing anyway. And dadgummit, I like gray, black, and navy. A lot.
3) I have a very limited movie-viewing capacity. If it's lighthearted and funny, I'm in. A romantic comedy? I'm your girl. A thriller about some murderer on a rampage or a crazy, serial kidnapper? No, thank you. I prefer to end a movie with a smile and happy tears, rather than fearing for my life or having nightmares for days. My husband jokes that this basically means we can camp out in the animated section. Laugh if you want, I don't care. But I'll probably sleep better than you tonight.
I know these aren't necessarily life-altering preferences, but the point is, it's a start. I want to do me. And you should do you. And be okay with it. We say things like "variety is the spice of life," then live our lives as though God intended we all be clones.
#FAIL
I'm praying this year, the Lord will open my eyes and help me to peel back the layers of who He created me to be, free of the fear of man's opinion or lack of approval. I'm asking Him to give me confidence to live boldly, secure in my own skin, my own likes and dislikes, diving into the depths of my essential self. I want to know what I want and be okay with the fact that it might be different than what you want. Obviously, there are still basic truths and principles that should govern us all - this is not a license to go crazy or abandon sound wisdom - but I don't need to apologize for being me, and neither do you. Let's decide now to celebrate each other and the unique gifts we've each been given. It is there that we find so much freedom.
Oh yeah, and ice cream? I do like it. But the jury's still out on whether or not it's my favorite.