Because of a multitude of reasons and just because LIFE happens, my husband and I know a lot of people from different places. Different walks of life, different cities, a melting pot of organizations, churches, and random meetings. But knowing people and truly being known by people are two different things. The older I get I find myself yearning, deep down, for real connection. Deep friendships that span the test of time, that are willing to get dirty when life throws you a grounder, that come over to your house and don't judge you because you're not wearing makeup and your carpet is littered with crayons and cheerios. These are the friends that become keepers. That you text when you're about to strangle your kids, when your dad dies, when you feel fat, when you just need a large iced coffee pronto, pleaseandthankyou. I have realized, these friends are harder to come by than I thought. And if you do find them, it takes work to get to all the points I mentioned above.
Anybody that knows me would tell you I'm a people person. An extrovert. I can usually get along with almost anyone, as long as there is no conflict. I'm a big fan of peace. In fact, my husband, Justin, and I will occasionally be watching something on TV and the second conflict hits the scene, my palms get sweaty--literally. When there are heated arguments, talking over one another, or brazen confrontation, I am visibly uncomfortable. I sit on the edge of the couch, cringing, almost forgetting to breathe while waiting for it to pass, wishing they all would simply play nice. And that's just during Cake Wars.
Anyway, through the years, I've often told Justin how much I longed for this kind of friend. The deep kind, the ones you can be completely yourself with. And I needed them not just because I was lazy and used dry shampoo as an excuse for "washing" my hair three (okay, four) days in a row. Truth be told, Justin longed for this too. (Although, he does wash his hair every day, so no worries there about friends who might judge.)
So, we prayed.
One friend might be easy enough, but a couple - as in, a married couple where I enjoyed time with the wife and Justin enjoyed time with the husband - well, this was much weightier stuff.
You see, my dear, sweet husband, is not, as you might describe me, a "people person." Oh, he likes people just fine. Just not ALLLLL the people. He tells me all the time that he actually tests out as an extrovert, but I think someone skewed his results. He's a great guy - give him some slack - but is just a little more selective when it comes to the people he holds near and dear, so this task before us was somewhat daunting.
And then, I met Shauna Niequist.
Well, okay, I didn't really meet her. Although, I would love to one day. I love her writing, and the way she describes food makes me want to immediately quit what I am doing, drive to Central Market, and purchase everything on the menu she just rattled off. Her book Bread & Wine is on the top of my "recommend to others" list. (*Completely unrelated but very important sidenote: I don't know why, but it bugs me when people mispronounce words and names. I have heard Shauna's name pronounced "Nigh-Kwist" on a variety of occasions, and for some reason, I always cringe a little inside. Maybe it's because I spent the better half of my unmarried years having to correct the pronunciation (and spelling) of my last name, too. I'm here to tell you I've heard her say it out loud, and it's pronounced "Knee-Kwist." You're welcome.)
But I digress.
In her book, Shauna waxes eloquently about hospitality, feeding people well, and loving them even better. She gives a plethora of examples, recipes, and practical ideas for hosting friends, family, neighbors, and all the reasons why we're called to do this. Most of her words are underlined, and each time I read it (Yes, I've read it more than once.) I put it down feeling so inspired and ready to invite the whole world over for steaming hot fettuccini alfredo with warm, crusty garlic bread and a salad decorated with plump dried cranberries and toasted walnuts. (Are you hungry yet?) And here's the thing: it's not just about good food, although that is most certainly important. It's about relationships. Going deeper. Being authentic. Meeting felt needs in order to meet other needs.
And it is so life-giving.
Shauna talks about the community, the connection, the soul-ties that happen around the table. This is where friendships are born, tended, and grow.
So, I decided we needed to form a Supper Club. Per Shauna's suggestions, our group would meet regularly and take turns feeding each other well.
Justin and I began to pray and brainstorm what our group would look like and who we should invite. Please note, this was not a popularity contest where we surveyed all the cool kids and decided with whom we wanted to associate ourselves. This came out of some serious discussion of who would work well together. We had to be different enough to keep it interesting, yet there also had to be common interests and something that would tie us all together. And of course, they had to have mad culinary skills. Just kidding. (But seriously.)
After about a year of thinking and talking and praying, it was the Lord who led us to each of these couples, and it's worked beautifully. (And my husband has since rejoiced with exceeding great joy that I actually followed through on an idea I had.) Not all of the couples knew each other well (or at all) in the beginning, and among us we attend four different churches. We have talked about the big things, the little things, the controversial things, and everything in between. We have discussed deep, theological issues and watched (and laughed) while each couple had their turn attempting to move an oreo from their forehead to their mouth without using their hands. (Not only are we super mature, apparently we're also pretty talented.) We have prayed together, encouraged one another, delivered hot meals to each other in the midst of both joy and heartbreak, and learned that Zac can make one mean creme brûlée, which we will continue to bug him about until he feeds it to us again.
The bottom line, everyone was hungry for community and deep connection. Therefore, we have all been willing to be real. Authenticity and openness is what has made this work. No perfect people here. We're all broken. It is still a work in progress. After all, it takes time to build deep relationships. We have been meeting now for a year, and we're still learning, growing, connecting a little more each time. But there is something comforting about knowing you're not doing this life alone, not the only one trying to make your marriage even better, trying to figure out the whole parenting thing, attempting to do all the things and catching yourself realizing you just need to slow down.
And so, for those who have asked, a few tips on starting your own supper club:
1. Keep it to four couples or less - We have found 8 to be just the right number. It's hard enough trying to figure out when to call your Mom, let alone coordinating four different family's schedules. We are very busy. Apparently. This also eliminates the awkward "three's company" rule and ensures there is always someone to talk to.
2. Pick your couples, set your time, and decide on how often you'll meet - For us, we meet once a month, rotate houses, and have agreed that it's always adults-only. We love our children, but couple time is vital. (Babysitting can also be expensive, so plan accordingly.) We decided that on the fifth month, after we have rotated through everyone's house, we will go out.
3. Know the rules going in - We decided that the host house will do everything. Plan, cook, clean house, and wash dishes. This allows you to psych yourself up for the one time every four months you will have to do all the work, and enjoy the other 3 months when you leave your friends' kitchen an absolute crime scene. Other than possibly a favorite drink, we don't bring anything. This allows the host couple to stick to a theme if they so choose.
4. Raise the bar a tad - Though we are all pretty casual people and basically come in our jeans, we do like to elevate the table every now and then. (If you need to ease into this, lipstick can count.) Our first night, I set the table with china, candles, and flowers. We used cloth napkins and napkin rings. And everyone loved it! Next month, Mychal was so inspired she bought a sparkly, rose gold runner for her table. Again, we loved it! (And her pasta tasted so much fancier, I have no doubt.) We've used place cards, garnished our tea with raspberries and fresh mint, whipped cream from scratch, and made beautiful 3-layer cakes with homemade icing. It's been a blast every time. Though we wouldn't excommunicate someone for ordering pizza, we would definitely never let them live it down. SC is looked forward to with much anticipation, and knowing we will be well fed is part of the fun. And you'd better serve dessert, darn it.
5. At least in the beginning, have some kind of agenda for the evening - This helped us tremendously just starting out. Our very first night, each couple went around and told their story of how they met, dated, and got married. We often choose a few intentional questions just to create good conversation and help us learn a little about each other, and other times have played a variety of hilarious games. (*See the Oreo reference above.)
6. What happens at Supper Club stays at Supper Club - This needs to be a safe place. Your people need to feel heard, loved, and cared for. They need to know they can share their burdens and you will truly pray, not post it on social media for all the world to see. (And that video of you acting out taming a ferrel cat during Charades? Well, let's just hope it doesn't go viral.)
Lastly, because I believe in this so much, I'm going to give you two things today:
1) This delicious (and easy!) recipe that your whole group will love you for. I baked it in individual ramekins and topped it with homemade whipped cream, because hello, that feels way more elegant . We basically licked our bowls. I also mixed in a Granny Smith apple with the pears, so feel free to make it your own.
2) I'm doing a giveaway! Subscribe at the bottom of the page to receive my posts in your inbox. You will be entered in a drawing for the book Bread & Wine so you too, can be on your way to great inspiration and hospitality! Already a subscriber? Share this post on social media and tag me and you will also be entered into the drawing. Entries will be accepted until Friday, February 10 at noon. If you do happen to start your own supper club, I'd love to hear about it! Leave a comment and share some of your creative ideas. Bon appetit!